Waiting on the world to change....think not!

For unemployed, you kinda forget how quickly time passes by.  When I worked, I used to loathed how time ticked by slowly.  Now that I am at home, I get with my kids @6:30 am with my kids, next thing you know, its noon, I still haven't had a cup of coffee.  Lunch is made and kitchen clean by 1:30 (depending on my youngest son's schedule), 2:30 dinner needs to be started.  4:30-5:00 pm., I rushing out the door, with 3 kids in tow to whatever practice, or training that I have signed them up for. 

I guess you say, who cares about her schedule, she doesn't work, so she only have half, the battle.  Oh contraire!  Actually, I have more things to do, and this settings, I sure could use an extra pair hands.  Well, in mother's word: Wait on that to happen and you will be waiting a long time. 

You see, dealing with half the battle in other situations or not at all, doesn't mean that there aren't other wars.  Most of the time, it usually starts with you. 

It ain't about you...

Mother's Day is like Christmas for me, and now that I'm a mother, it's gets more exciting.  The part I get to enjoy most is, traditions.  When my sister I were small, we would do an array of things from making cards to putting on performances or even plot surprise gifts. 

I remember my mom looking at the gifts in a bittersweet way, and it would leave us confused.  Now since I am mother of 3, understand now. 

Its not about the gifts I get or the dinner I receive.  I see the beauty of who I am through my babies, good or bad.  These beings is why the day is important.  They are all I got and I will leave in this world.  For me, they make me valid.

The is no gift worth receiving than thanks you get for touching a life.

The lie of having control

In past posts, I have mentioned that I am totally dependent of Mista(that's his code name because he don't like being mentioned).  I either verbally request or we write it on our wall calendar.  It's the way we agreed to comminicate and its also how we keep track with our spending

When I was working, I always seem to spend more.  Even with two incomes, it really hard to keep track of what the other spent. Often times, it was beginning of most wars because what was concidered a want or a need was to due either parties perception. 

As with all new things, the money wasn't a real issue, it was my association with it.  See, I felt that money granted me a certain amount of power , even it bought me choices, and I liked POWER and OPTIONS  alot, so I always wanted to make sure that I made ALOT OF money.  In past relationships, I was either equal or the bread winner.  With that being said, I always had the job with benefits, the car, or was able to always get the place in my name, etc. 

Subliminally, it made me feel like I held all of the power or control, and if a man messed up , he knew it.  This was true, but it made me HAVE all the RESPONSIBILITY.  So what's my beef you ask?

Well, I need not get into how I felt when I had to quit my job due giving birth and all that..  But I will confess this one thing:  as low as I felt, I never felt so free.  Ever...   Now, I still do have the bills and the house in my name but I have larned to share some of that burden.  And it feels good.  Viewing things from the hind sight, I was trying not to be 'controlled', but not realizing that I was being controlled. This is one of those tricks that being 'independent' makes you believe. 

Now that I have been jobless, and pennyless, have learned to live on a budget, and guess what?  I have more money and able to get more things done.  I even have the most important thing, PEACE. 

Today, I stand corrected on release of control or the thought of having control  I learned that I don't need total to feel valid or 'independent'.  I don't mind sharing the responsibilty....On that note, I would like to end...I feel...REFORMED

C

Basic B!tch

About a year ago, I was having a deep conversation with a friend discussing the different kinds people i.e. women. 

We came to the conclusion there  were women with goals(which we decided we were) and basic b!tches.   Let me explain..

What we considered women with goals were women who, apparently were outside of their home and appeared to be handling it, mean while basic women are just plain satisfied with the bare necessities(you know food, clothes, and shelter), no career, no job, or any means to provide.for themselves...to sum it up, no drive for improvement. Or is it?

Up until nearly 2 years ago, I was worker bee and proud of it, however, I would run across these "women".  They aren't avoidable, meaning they do participate in the same activities, shop in the same stores, wore better clothes than I did, etc.  And I felt some kind of way!  While I'm out here struggling to eat, providing a place for my babies a place to sleep, and could barely afford clothes, and, OMG, imma having another one...ah excuse me feeling a little slighted, here.

Humm, could it be that I have the.WRONG idea?  Is it these women, who are seemly doing very well with less, than I who is Ms. Independent Goal Setter, who seems to have more?

Well you know Karma comes around and puts everything in perspective.  Today, I am a Basic B!tch.  Yeah that's right...I don't have no money outside of what Mista gives me, yep, I don't have a car, Mista and the TARC gets me where I need to be, and uh, yeah I do shop on a regular at the mall (thinking about going next week), but most importantly, I make sure that my kids have beyond their "basic needs" met.

Basic B!tch Lake reporting duty...over and out

C

We can't both be "doing me" at the same time

One of my major challenges is finding time to get to the things that I want to do, instead of always doing what is needed to do. 

Hubby works 6 days straight from before the sun rises and long after the sun sets, so that leaves me to deal with my 3 all by myself most days.  Naturally being a loner, most days are cool, but then you have these string of days that seem to leave you feeling soo frustrated and alone, that you wannna pull your hair out. 

What I want to point out is, even though, I dont leave my house somedays, I still have goals and ambitions.  These things never leave the spirit.  It's a part of my DNA, and it becomes a challenge when I want to get away to do some of the things I want.  Hell, this Blog is one of my dreams.  I have $500.00 sewing machine, fabric, and a cute sewing box, but still struggle with sitting down and sewing something more than just the top part of my dress. 

I guess the reason is: My duties to deal with my kids supercede my will to "do me".  Hubby can lock hisself for hours, even after a 16 hour day, but I can't even muster the energy to concentrate long enough to sew, write, or even think. 

I wish there were days when he is here that he would take part of some of the daily activities with the kids, make meals, or hell, sit and talk with me about ideas or dreams. 

To keep it real though, as much as being a power house is in me, I am dedicated to being a mom, and wife.  Honestly, "Doing Me" wont be for me no time soon, but I am gonna LEARN to enjoy it though. I will be able to catch my breathe again.  As we know, time don't stand still, and kids don't stay kids.

C

Another spin on it

Life brings on transition, all the time.  I think it what's makes see our strengths and weakness.  However often, it makes too judgemental of others and  most importanly ourselves.  While reading this book, The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women, I came across this passage:

 

SUPPORTING SELF-FOCUS IN OTHER WOMEN

 

 

The issues around creativity versus caretaking have long polarized women against each other.  We each need to live by our own truths and values.  The challenge for many of us is transcendence of other people's expectations and making peace with our own choices and priorities.  That's why we also need to monitor our tendenc to pass judgment on other women for their similarly difficult choices.  Whenever you find yourself criticizing another woman for her life choices, stop for a moment.  Do you really know what obstacles she faces in her life?  Are you sure you have the right formula for everyone?  Monitor your judgments of other women and notice what you observe.  Attacking each other doesn't solve the problems we all face as modern women.  Let's try to focus on the big picture of the challenges that women face today as they try to manage multiple worlds of expectations.  It is important that we stop splitting ourselves off from one another and band together to create new freedoms and support systems for ourselves and the next generations of women.  By cultivating our own self-focus and encouraging that of our peers, we can harness even more creative power world.

Thank you, Gail McMeekin, I couldn't have said it better...

 

I remember, I remember, I remember

Before I became a "woman", I always wanted to be a good mom, no matter what that meant.  As I gotten older, and having babysat children, I would start my sentences with " When I have children of my own, I would do.." and this list go on.  Well, now that I am a mother of 3, I can honestly say, my list had been modified, but the passion is still there. Making this statement about how I would change the world, and become this super Mom, I learned soon enough that life would challenge me to hold up to my promise.

A few years back and shortly after the birth of our second child, my ex-husband, and I decided (involuntarily of course), that we could no longer be partners, let alone be parents in the same house.   So, I reluctantly packed my bags and went back to Cleveland, Oh, where my mom stays.  Overjoyed, to have her first two grandchildren, back at home, but having to deal with a damaged and pissed off daughter was not easy, for either of us.  As women do, of today, have learned to keep it moving, and learned to cry to at night (sometimes in the day). 

Well, first things first, how do I support my children?  Again, doing what most women do in my position, I go and apply for assistance, after all, I just wanted some help to find a job, and reliable daycare.  They put me in a job search program, and once completed, you gotta look for so many jobs a day.  Okay, great I thought.  I ended up getting a night job, the thing is I still had to do job search because it didn't count as a"job".  Fine, it's doable..Until my son got sick.  I was talking him to the emergency room like 4 times in a matter of 6 weeks from colds to ear infections to bronchitis.  Oh, and guess what?  I still had to be at the job search program at 8.

I can't tell you what these situations can do a household, and your self-esteem as a mother.  My mom and I started warring because she felt that I wasn't paying enough attention to my kids, i.e., my son.  Of course, her sentences start with:  I had the pleasure of raising you and toyr sister, and then I worked.  You can not work that hard and be an effective mother.  Wow, really?...was all I could muster, and my bruised ego, and self image has a opened up another wound.

Eventually, my mom stood her position, and said that this was my responsible, so I had to stay at home with him.  Now, the beauty of this, I had an opportunity to stay at home with my little boy, but it lit a fire under my feet.  I began my journey focusing what was important, my babies.

Once, my son gotten well, I brought all my documentation back, and hopefully to start finding a job that would fit my family's needs.  I quit my night job, as told my counselor this, she wasn't too supportive.  She reminds how important it is to keep a job, and how it wasn't a smart move to quit my job even though, my baby was sick.  Her challenge, Are you gonna quit everytime this happens?  You have to focus what's important.

Whoa!  Now, I don't know what struck my nerve, but I have been reprimanded twice now, like a child mind you, about what was IMPORTANT!  I took a deep breathe, and I let her understand, that not only I very aware of what was IMPORTANT, but seeing my resume, from the age of 19 years of age(at time 31), I had a study job if not two jobs.  Maternity leave didn't last for 2months for me, each time, and the only reason I was in her office was  because I am going through a divorce....and dont you forget that.  My ending quote was:  I am required to get a job to do my most important job/responbility, which is, to take of my babies.  On that note, I stormed off.

Shaking, I made it to elevator, a woman whom I noticed, on/off that worked there, stood next to me.  When we made it the first floor, she pulled me to the side, and said " I commend you that" "What do you mean?  I don't know if I am able to return back after what I did.", I said.  "Ah, you can come back, but she needed to be reminded why she was there.  See, like you, I had good jobs, and I had to quit because I my children were sick on and off.  So instead of fighting to keep my job, I left.  Now don't get me wrong, it set me back in professional world but I don't regret it.  Guess what?  I will do it again, too.  So thank you for reminding her, as well as myself, what we are doing this for, our children..." 

Reminscing about this now, brings tears to my eyes.  Every now and then, I struggle with the warrior in me.  Yes I I still looks for jobs, and  I miss the action and the fast paced environment, but you know what?  I haven't found anything that is gonna work with my kids' schedule. 

What made think about this, today?  This evening @6pm, my daughter is expected to sing with her choir.  Thinking back on all the jobs that I had in the past, and I struggled to hold on to them.  There is a little voice that says to me: Would you be able to do this?  or would you just drop off or orchestrate someone to get her there, better yet, make her quit because you couldn't get here there?  

I sign off today, saying  It's my job, to get a job, to the best of at my #1 job:  Being a mom... To answer your question, dear counselor, I choose HER before any job.

Josalyn Lake 

West Louisville Girls Choir

December 3, 2012 age 8

 

 

Who you calling dependent..

Now, that I am approaching 36 years of age, I am no stranger to oposition.  My mom always says:  Opionions are like a$$holes, everyone got one.  However, I didn't think my decision to be close to home would bring such "negative" or shall I say, no -support. 

As, I stated before, having given birth to my 3rd child, forced me to take a different road in life.  I must admit its been very hard to get used to idea of trading spreadsheets for spaghetti dinners, however I can't deny that it has provided some pleasureable benefits.  I guess, the thing that I struggled with the most is trying to stay up with friends and the world around me.  Instead of the face to face contact, you become almost dependent on the phone ringing, facebook or any social media.  And to be real, it leaves you very lonely.

Getting to my point, living in this city, my friends are few, and I do keep up with various family members.  So when I finally, announced my decision to everyone, which by the way came through a series arguments with Mista, self paranoia, and just plain boredom.  It was recieved well, but there were concerns, and the main questions or points that kept coming around was: Why would you put your total life in 'his' hands?  or You know you are totally dependent on him, and you really don't have choices on how things are run in your house, right?  Hummm, lets think about this..

Now, Ima point out something, majority of these women(not my friends per se), is expecting some type of support from a man/organizations, as myself.  Okay, my arugement is, how can my situation be any different than yours?  Just like you, I am dependent on assistance, whether its school loan/grant, medical for my kids, some food assistance.  Not to mention, most of these 'independent' woman, recieve child support.  Umm, don't that comes from the father of the child.  Don't you balance your books by what 'he' does,like I do?  Oh, let me say this, if 'he' does not pay, don't that upset your household to the point of making decisions on the extras, like I?  I know women personally who will dial up the father for extra money on top of the support that is court awarded.  But, I am the dependent one..? 

To be arguebly correct, I am 'totally' dependent on my boyfriends income oppose to most my fellow sistas, however, we are talking percentages which are only numbers.  To me, the emotional stress, the making to ultimate decision of what's more imperative, and more importantly, being the only supporter/cheerleader for your child, is far more greater, and there is no dollar that can pay you enough for that.

I would like to end on this note, we ARE ALL dependent on something and someone else.  It's the way life on earth is.  So, again, who are you calling dependent...

Moon Child

 

Let's see how did I get here

From being a recent transplant from OH, I decided that I was gonna make it here in Louisville, Ky. Explaining that adventure would be for another day and another time, however let's say, it was the start of something new, very new.  At the time I was attending the local community college and just successfully completed  my first quarter, and trying to decide what to take next. 

In middle of evertything, I also found myself being in what I guess you can call a relationship, but like everything at the time, it seemed so official.  Anyway, me and my "boyfriend" decided that we was gonna move in together but the process was gonna be slow.  Ima be honest, being over 30 and a divorced of 2, you have to be cautious of whom and what you expose your children to. 

One morning, getting over of what I thought was Strep Throat(thanks kids), I still wasn't feeling right, and said so, to my Mister about it on the phone.  I decided to take a pregnancy test, and half joked about what if the response was +positive.  So I get home, and do the deed while on the phone, and to my surprise, I am now having child #3.

Okay, 2 kids, no family for miles, in college(for the umpteenth time), no car, to top it off, not even close to thinking marriage...ARGH! Oh yeah, Did I mention, that I just started a new part-time job on school campus..Double ARGH!

So, my instincts kicked in...Independent Woman in full effect.  Independent, yeah, full effect, ah no!  I tried looking for jobs, I tried to find cars, and looking for places that only I can afford, etc.  You know the things that single women/mothers do because of the let down and heart break before.

Well, this went on for all of nine months, mind you I also decided to take up the H&R Block course, just to make sure that I still could provide for my now expanding family.  All while this was going on, I never really shared my concerns about my feelings because honestly, I felt he never cared or most of the time I didnt think his views really didnt matter because, hey, I was the one caring the baby(my youngest son Kaiyan..aka Kai or Boonie).  Really not realizing this was the beginning of our drifting apart.  We would argue from sun up to sun down issues that I found out that really didnt matter. 

You see, being an "independent woman" had me believing that I could do anything (and I could), but also, had me blind sided to my limitations.  Do I not by any means, believe that we need to be dependent on other people (men, public assistance programs, or anything type of hand-out/subsidity), however, if we are to become successful in anything we do, in our independence, we need to learn how to be productive, and effective.

We have to remember that whether we leave our porches or parking lots, we hold as much power and strength as our males do.  And rightly so, as much as we need them to be strong and logical, they need us to respect and understand them.

As I feel these web pages with just thoughts and opinions on the matter, please share with me in my growth{memiors} to being a stay at home mom.  Let's Go...