The lie of having control

In past posts, I have mentioned that I am totally dependent of Mista(that's his code name because he don't like being mentioned).  I either verbally request or we write it on our wall calendar.  It's the way we agreed to comminicate and its also how we keep track with our spending

When I was working, I always seem to spend more.  Even with two incomes, it really hard to keep track of what the other spent. Often times, it was beginning of most wars because what was concidered a want or a need was to due either parties perception. 

As with all new things, the money wasn't a real issue, it was my association with it.  See, I felt that money granted me a certain amount of power , even it bought me choices, and I liked POWER and OPTIONS  alot, so I always wanted to make sure that I made ALOT OF money.  In past relationships, I was either equal or the bread winner.  With that being said, I always had the job with benefits, the car, or was able to always get the place in my name, etc. 

Subliminally, it made me feel like I held all of the power or control, and if a man messed up , he knew it.  This was true, but it made me HAVE all the RESPONSIBILITY.  So what's my beef you ask?

Well, I need not get into how I felt when I had to quit my job due giving birth and all that..  But I will confess this one thing:  as low as I felt, I never felt so free.  Ever...   Now, I still do have the bills and the house in my name but I have larned to share some of that burden.  And it feels good.  Viewing things from the hind sight, I was trying not to be 'controlled', but not realizing that I was being controlled. This is one of those tricks that being 'independent' makes you believe. 

Now that I have been jobless, and pennyless, have learned to live on a budget, and guess what?  I have more money and able to get more things done.  I even have the most important thing, PEACE. 

Today, I stand corrected on release of control or the thought of having control  I learned that I don't need total to feel valid or 'independent'.  I don't mind sharing the responsibilty....On that note, I would like to end...I feel...REFORMED

C